Why I Raft

Originally published: September 1, 2019

After my senior year in high school, I was sitting at lunch with a mentor of mine whom I have looked up to for forever. He has always been someone I looked up to and wanted to model my life off of. We were chatting about what the next school year would look like and my plans for the next summer. Would I try and shadow someone at a PT clinic and get job experience (ha, back when I wanted to be a PT), would I just hang at home and spend time with friends? He had a different suggestion. He encouraged me to apply to a company in Buena Vista that I had rafted with before. He told me it would be some of the best community I have ever experienced and would be incredibly fun. I looked into it and decided to apply to be a guide. The hiring process at this company is no joke because they truly try to build a community of young people who are on fire for God and love the outdoors, so it takes a little longer than most hiring processes. Long story short, I somehow, thanks to my mentor probably, got offered a guiding position at Noah’s Ark, a whitewater rafting and adventure company in Buena Vista. I showed up for my first summer of the two-year obligation that I had committed to not knowing what to expect. Through training, I had learned to be a rafting, rock climbing, and backpacking guide. That first summer was a thrill. I was living in the Rocky Mountains, being outside all day every day, with some of the coolest people I had ever met. What I was doing felt hardly like a job and more so just the best summer I had ever had.

Fast forward to two days before my second summer started as a guide. Second-year training is much more intense as the baseline of guiding is already instilled and the expectation to become a much better guide materializes over you. Up until this point, being on the water felt natural. I loved the movement of the water, the big waves, and mostly the smiles that people had going down the river. I hadn’t experienced for myself anything too crazy on the water. Then I got a text a couple days before heading up for training. I remember just laying in a dark room crying and not knowing what to do. I had found out a friend of mine from Mesa had drowned in a cliff jumping accident. A kid I had played football against in high school and had given him his tour of Mesa hoping to recruit him to play football there. Austin ended up coming to Mesa and lived it up freshmen year. It was so fun to see him thrive in that place. But now he was gone. I was 5 hours away in Colorado Springs when it happened. I didn’t know what to do or how to process it. I knew I was about to head to Buena Vista for training on what I now knew was one of the most powerful pieces of nature out there. The one that had taken a friend away from me. I had talked to some of the leadership on staff about what happened, and they were incredibly gracious to me in training, allowing me to participate in the things that I felt comfortable with, but I was far too uncomfortable with being on the water that year. There was a point in training when we were swimming a rescue scenario to know what it would be like if we had to do it in a real situation. I was told I didn’t need to if I didn’t want to, but I felt the Lord call me to push through and get in the water. Into the thing that took a friend away. I did, it was hard, but it was so good. I started to have respect, maybe not a healthy one at first but respect nonetheless, for the water. I did not have that in my first summer. That second summer was rough. I had a changed perspective from the best summer ever to now having the responsibility of anywhere from 4-8 people’s lives in my boat each trip down the river. I tried to hide my fear of the water towards my guests as I wanted them to have an awesome experience and knew that doubting myself would not make me a better guide. My first swimmer (person falling out of my boat) of the summer put me in a state of shock for a little bit. It seemed like the guy was under the water forever even though it was probably only a few seconds. It felt as if time had slowed down and I hadn’t felt relief ever in my life like I did when I saw his head pop up out of the water. I got incredible advice from our River Director at Noah’s who had been through a similar life experience losing a friend in a kayaking accident. He shared with me stories of that and how he processed it and what he had to do to feel comfortable on the water again. We went through a book together that helped me put into perspective what had been going on. I am forever grateful for his presence in my life that summer and likely wouldn’t have been guiding had he not been there.

That summer was a struggle to get through. Had it not been for Rob (the river director) or some of my close friends I had made up there, I would have been in an even tougher spot. I took the next summer off from guiding. I needed a break. The stress of taking care of people’s lives had caught up to me and I needed time to sit back and care for myself before I could give that love to other people again. I took one trip down the river that summer with some guides that I got really close to at Noah’s, which was a good experience to be on the water again, but still being with people who were very capable of caring really well for me instead of the other way around. That is when my perspective on guiding really changed. I started to realize the weight that guiding truly bears. Although it is so fun and exciting, it carries a lot with it. It wouldn’t be fun if there wasn’t risk involved, but with risk being involved that means the guide is responsible for loving on his or her guests in a way that puts them in a position to experience rafting for what it is, but to do it in a responsible way that minimizes the dangers of the water. Water is one of the best but also one of the scariest things ever. On the positive side, we see the beauty of water in creation around us. We see abundant life full of breath and color. We see incredible geological formations because of it, and we know we wouldn’t be here without it. It also is one of the most powerful sources we have on earth that can take life away in an instant. I saw the former of that my first summer, I saw the latter of that my second, and by my fourth summer I had a new healthy respect for both sides. I started to enjoy the beauty in caring for others on a source as powerful as the river. Leading people through intense rapids translated to loving people going through life’s circumstances, good and bad, intense or calm. Being able to love people in those situations isn’t easy but always worth it. God has loved us through our worst, and I can only hope to do the same to others. I found out why I was rafting. It was one of the best ways I could find to love on people. Most people come into rafting not realizing the power of the water and that’s okay. Not everyone needs to go through an experience like mine to learn what the water can do. But, I think it helped me get into a better posture of surrenderance before God. Knowing that he, overall, is in control, yet he allows me just a little bit of control of a boat on a river in Colorado to give me the opportunity to show my guests his love.

Gah, I find it to be so beautiful. I am reminded of God’s power through the water every time I am on it. Sometimes more than others. I had my first flipped boat this summer, which is my 5thsummer guiding. I was humbled again by how strong the water is. I felt all the emotions of my second summer again. The fear, the inadequacy, the lack of control. But I was able to deal with those emotions in a much healthier way this time around. It was much easier for me to turn to God for strength than it was my second summer. It was much easier to forgive myself for beating myself up after it. It was much easier to show my guests love, which I think was the most important part.

In a world full of division, I hope the overarching feeling people receive from me is love. I fail a lot in it and apologize now for those failures. It isn’t an easy process. I want to accept you for who you are regardless of what people say. I want to respect you and love on you in the way that God does to me. I hope the word people think of when they hear my name is love. I want to love you well. I hope to love you well on the river if we get the chance to raft together. It is, to me, one of the most beautiful experiences now.

I believe God has a plan for everything, even Austin’s death. It is probably different for everyone, but for me, it allowed me the opportunity to love others better and I am so thankful for that. I miss Austin, but I know his death wasn’t for nothing. It has brought more beauty and love into this world and for that, I am forever grateful for his life. See you soon buddy.

Know that I love you. Yes, you, reading this. You are so loved.